


You Must Know Life to See Decay

by vvadevvilson (creativitykilledher)



Series: After the Storm [2]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Homophobia, Transphobia, agender!dan, nonbinary!dan, trans!dan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-12
Updated: 2015-08-12
Packaged: 2018-04-14 07:55:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,009
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4556742
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/creativitykilledher/pseuds/vvadevvilson
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Focuses on the time Dan first realizes they're agender, and comes out to Phil, as well as choosing Dan as their name</p>
            </blockquote>





	You Must Know Life to See Decay

**Author's Note:**

> so i decided to write another part of this, so how it breaks down is the first part of the collection is a general overview and then like the stories afterword are zooming in and being specific about certain events  
> Also I never mention Dan's birthname because I feel it's not important because that's never who they were. I feel it's important to stress that Dan has always been Dan, even before they realized it. (this isn't true for everyone as gender and identity is fluid, it's just how it happens to be for Dan)

Dan hadn’t thought much about it when they met Phil for the first time. Well, I mean, the two did hit it off right away, and became close best friends within a couple of days, but Dan didn’t think that was going to change so much in their life.  
It was amazing how much affect one person could have.  
They were currently in 12th year, still identifying as a girl and as a lesbian. Dan had found their place in a tight knit community, so they had thought. It was almost like finding a spot in a group of misfit. That’s how Dan had felt as being a lesbian in the queer community.  
But of course, by the power of some cruel intended God, Phil had messed that up. Actually Dan wasn’t sure Phil was the direct correlating reason, but there had to be someone to blame.  
“Phil” Dan had asked one day, the two in their usual place on the couch, occupying either ends, feet in the middle.  
“Mm, yup?” Phil hadn’t even been bothered to lift his head from his Nintendo DS.  
“How did you know you were pan?” Dan had asked softly, voice sounding more timid then it was accustomed to.  
Phil still hadn’t looked up, “mm, are you asking how I knew I liked my own gender, because I’m pretty sure you already know that.”  
“No” Dan’s voice was sharper this time, the desperation for Phil to understand finally made the boy look up. “How did you know you liked more than one gender?”  
Phil’s eyebrows furrowed, lips pulling to the side in thought. “Well I mean, it was just realizing I could imagine myself being with any gender. I mean it was difficult at first because when I found myself thinking about boys I was like, I must be gay, but then I didn’t stop thinking of girls, and basically I was thinking that everyone is cute and was overwhelmed.” Phil’s tone had been light and teasing in the last part of the sentence, giving a classic smile to Dan, trying to reassure the other.  
Dan nodded, swallowing this like an anvil in their throat.  
“I think I’m bi?” Dan sounded confused and unsure as they spoke, forcefully distracted now by their own Nintendo now. It wasn’t something they had admitted out loud before, something they never really wanted to admit out loud.  
Phil had taken a minute, considering this. “Is that a bad thing?”  
There was a shuddering sigh from Dan before anything was spoken. “No, I don’t think so? I mean, I’m not sure why but that terrifies me.”  
Dan had taken a deep, prolonged inhale of air, and Phil knew that it meant a rambling speech with metaphors. Dan’s speciality.  
“It’s just that… Identifying as a lesbian has given me a place and an identity. It saved me from isolation, and now with this, I’ll be isolated again and lose my identity. I’ll be starting all over again. And like I already came out once, I don’t want to come out all over again, and if I am dating a guy I don’t want my entire queerness invalidated. It has become such a large important part of me, I’ve built so much of myself around it, and I don’t want to have that taken away from me.”  
Phil had waited for a few moments, to make sure they had finished before adding his two cents. Phil had sat up properly, and scooted closer to Dan, placing a hand on their knee, giving it a comforting squeeze.  
“Okay, well first of all, you don’t have to come out if you don’t want to, you have no obligation to anyone to come out. And as well as, that will never be fully taken away, your queerness, as you put it” Phil had mastered the comforting talk, for which Dan was grateful. “Sure some people will try to take it away, or deny you of it, but they don’t really have that power. You will always be part of the community, and you will always have people standing with you.”  
Phil had ended with a reassuring smile, Dan launching themselves forward, wrapping their arms around Phil’s shoulders tightly.  
“Thanks” they mumbled contently. This hadn’t patched up everything, a few words would never completely scrub away the anxiety Dan felt. But it was a great starting place.  
Phil pressed a chaste kiss to Dan’s temple, “anytime.”  
Of course throughout this heart to heart Dan never mentioned how they came across the revelation of their bi-ness, attraction to Phil. It was too much for one day.  
The two remained closest of friends, Phil helping Dan get through 12th year finals, Dan calming Phil down about university. They were partners in crime, people often finding their banter adorable or aggravating.  
It wasn’t until late June did something happen to them.  
They were sleeping at Dan’s house, blanket fort spread over the ground. Dan’s mother had been reluctant about letting Phil sleep over, being a boy and all. This is when Dan mentioned that since they were bi, anyone staying over could be a ‘potential threat’ and that Dan at least deserved one friend. Also there was a lot a guilting with ‘don’t you trust me?’ ‘You know Phil, you know his parents!’ ‘You’re in the same house.’  
Dan’s mother had eventually folded and allowed Phil over.  
Dan’s phone brightly declared it was 3 am, not unusual for the two to be up at odd hours.  
Phil had been going on about all the amazing adventures they could go on this summer.  
“We could go to this amazing ice cream shop, and eat by this cute duck pond” Phil was so animated as he spoke Dan couldn’t help but smile fondly.  
Dan hummed and scooted closer to Phil, and their hips bumped together as they lay on their stomach under the low canopy roof of their fort.  
“Would it be… Would it be okay if we did that… As a date?” Dan’s voice was soft and shy, their head ducked, staring intently at the bowl of popcorn that had been abandoned some hours ago.  
Phil had paused in the midst of his rambling, mouth gaping a little from where it was about to form a vowel. His eyes flickered over to Dan, before finally clicking his mouth shut, only to have it pop open again.  
Dan wasn’t sure what to make of Phil’s shocked expression, besides ridiculous looking.  
“Your face will freeze like that” Dan muttered, lacking the usual teasing tone, and poked Phil’s left hollowed cheek. This seemed to kick Phil’s brain back into action, though who knows why it stopped.  
“You… You want to go on a date with me?” Phil had finally gotten around to saying, the silence getting too much for both of them.  
“I mean if you wanna” Dan shrugged, like this wasn’t their entire heart served up on a platter, waiting to be devoured.  
Phil blinked owlishly for a heartbeat then began to giggle. The giggles bubbled out of his chest and started to pour out of his mouth without control.  
“Of course I wanna go on a date with you” Phil beamed brightly, “I’ve had a damn crush on you forever, I’ve been flirting with you for months!”  
Dan’s nose scrunched and their head jerked back in confusion. “You’ve been what?! No you haven’t!” Dan denied, shaking their head rapidly.  
“Uh, yeah I have, dumb-dumb” Phil insisted, chuckling at Dan’s antics.  
“No you haven’t! I think I would know if I was being flirted with” Dan scoffed, looking offended at the idea that they couldn’t tell if someone was interested. Dan was a very intuitive person, they would know.  
“Frankly you would be the last one to know, even your mom knows” Phil’s eyes where fond, crinkled at the corners as he smiled.  
Dan could only pout, their bottom lip jutted out overdramatically, rolling onto their side to cross their arms, mumbling under their breath ‘she does not.’  
Phil had reached out and poked Dan’s side, causing Dan to wiggle, scowling.  
“Don’t you dare” they narrowed their eyes at Phil, who had a gleaming expression. Phil wiggled his fingers before lunging at Dan, digging his fingers into their sides, the other gasping out laughter, trying to wiggle away from Phil.  
It didn’t take long until the flailing limbs and squirming body of Dan, and the persistence of Phil had caused the walls of the fort to be tugged down. It and the roof fluttering before collapsing down, burying Dan and Phil in an avalanche of duvets and pillows.  
“Look at what you’ve done” Dan accused from under the pile, no real heat to their voice.  
“Me? You’re the one who moved like panicked flamingo!” 

Apposed to Phil’s words their first date ended up being Disney movie marathon on Phil’s couch.  
The two had been best friends for so long they weren’t really sure how to be anything else. There was stilted attempts to hold hands, cuddling, and sweet talk. As well as they wasted no time in calling each other boyfriend/girlfriend, which looking back, was pretty cringe worthy and awkward.  
This was Dan’s first relationship, so they expected it to be awkward.  
But Dan wasn’t expecting the sting in their throat and the weight on their chest whenever Phil called them their girlfriend.  
Was it because the relationship was so new and foreign to Dan? That had to be it that was the only reasonable explanation.  
But the sting and the weight hadn’t passed as the months went on, and it had extended. Dan had begun to disassociate with the term girl, unable to fit themselves and the term together. It was as if they were two unmatching puzzle pieces from two separate puzzles. 

Self-discovery wasn’t easy, apparently. 

It wasn’t until around the start of Dan’s 13th year that they really started get any semblance of understanding. They finally took the term non-binary from their pocket, where it had been stashed for over a year.  
It fit, roughly, with sharp corners and too loose of edges that cut and rubbed sore, but it fit. Dan kept it close, tucked against their palms, afraid of what would happen if it stumbled out of their hands.  
But the drowning while falling apart feeling never ceased, instead it built-up and pressurised.  
Then, finally, Dan had had enough, and finally spilt over, telling Phil.  
Phil had taken it well, in stride, as he does with most things, and Dan couldn’t be more grateful.  
Phil was also extremely patient, that was something else Dan was grateful for.  
Dan had a horrible self-deprecating tendency to completely deny their gender, belittle themselves, and call themselves a girl.  
Phil had never been quiet about how much it hurt to hear such things.  
“You’re so odd” Phil had mused one day, the two hanging out at Starbucks. He was watching the way Dan had their legs draped over the arm of the plush red chair they were seated on, arms crossed, sitting back smugly. Their average disregard for public spaces shown yet again.  
“Well you know, you’re the one who decided to date the odd girl, so, what does that say about you?” Dan didn’t even seem fazed by their choice of wording, like they didn’t expect it was something Phil would pick up on.  
Phil frowned, crumpling a napkin between his fingers, thumbing over the worn tissue paper. Phil did get rather fiddly. Dan liked to drum on things, Phil liked to twist what was ever in his hands. He’d play with his hair, twist rings, and rip corners off of pages, anything that he could occupy his fingers with.  
“But I didn’t decide to date the odd girl, I decided to date the odd you” he corrected gently. They had no worries about any passer-byes overhearing, as they all were wrapped up in their own universe and life troubles.  
Dan had waved a dismissive hand, the other one busying itself by lifting Dan’s coffee to their lips.  
“Same thing” Dan had declared after taking a deep drink of their coffee.  
“Not really, you’re not a girl” Phil insisted. He felt like this wasn’t his place, he shouldn’t tell Dan how to define their gender. But it wasn’t the fluidity and many representations of gender that caused Dan to talk like this.  
It was Dan hating their identity and trying to shove it into a closet, and it killed Phil. Dan deserved so much better. Dan didn’t deserve to hate who they were.  
“Hey I am what I am, and according to my junk, I’m a girl” Dan tried to keep their tone light, as if it was no big deal, but honestly they were falling apart on the inside. And of course it translated to self-deprecation, sarcasm, and anger. The most used coping mechanism Dan had, like building a wall of sorts. Nothing can harm them when they hate themselves and insult people away. A messy, angry, hurt wall.  
“No, according to you, you’re agender” Phil’s voice was firm, eyes narrowed. It was always hard, defending Dan from themselves. There was no way to win. Dan always ended up hurt.  
“Like that’s a thing.”  
“It is!” Phil’s voice got louder, tired of Dan doing this to themselves all the time. “You are agender, it is a real thing! If it wasn’t, there wouldn’t be such a large community.” It was hard to keep his voice down, but Phil didn’t want to attract too much attention. Phil would never out Dan without their consent.  
Dan had shrunk back into the sofa, pouting a little. “Whatever.”  
The day had been set in a sour mood since then.

Sadly there was too many days like this, bitter internal transphobia seeping out of Dan’s words and actions. They just couldn’t accept the idea of being something different then what they were raised as. It always brought on the anxiety of what everyone would think, what would it change?  
Because Dan was pretty sure it changed everything. No one would look at them the same, things would become awkward, stilted, different.  
Dan hadn’t managed to work past this until sometime in February. It took a lot of work but they managed to see past the insecurity, and Dan had stopped denying what they were to themselves.  
Dan stopped denying themselves of being agender. They let themselves be the genderless being that they were, slowly ridding themselves of the bitter aftertaste it left.  
They weren’t out, not publically anyways, even though Phil, and some internet friends knew. Dan decided on baby steps, and needed to control who knew. It was too overwhelming for anything else.

Then came along choosing the name Dan. Dan hadn’t been a fan of their birth name, it made them feel uncomfortable, uneasy, and unsettled. They loved the name Dan, getting the idea from reading a book. The named jangled around in their head, feeling right, and in place. The name had stuck in their head for months before they actually brought it up to Phil.  
“So” they had started one day, hanging out in Phil’s dorm room. It was the only place for privacy now. “What do you think of the name Dan?” Dan regretted their choice of words as soon as they left their mouth. It wasn’t really the smooth, subtle way of bringing it up that Dan hopped it would be. They had a full speech planned out of course, Dan mentally rehearsing it for a good 24 hours before actually having to say it.  
But as soon as they looked at Phil, and had convinced themselves to speak, they forgot everything they had to say. So that was what came out of their mouth.  
And out of context, it didn’t make much sense.  
Phil startled at this, looking at Dan with a curious expression. The two were cuddling on Phil’s bed, tucked together peacefully. The faced each other, Dan convinced spooning wasn’t an actual thing, with Phil’s arms around Dan’s shoulder, wrists crossed at the back of Dan’s neck, Dan’s hands around Phil’s waist.  
Dan was a little under Phil’s height, having to look up at him, but most of the time had their head on Phil’s shoulder. It was more comfortable this way, considering how close pressed they were.  
But for this they had backed up a little, and looked up at Phil. Dan couldn’t bring themselves to look at Phil’s eye’s at first, staring that the wall behind him.  
“Um, what do you mean by that exactly?” Phil questioned, caught very off guard by this.  
“Like, do you think Dan is a good name?” Dan elaborated, which didn’t really clear any of Phil’s confusion.  
“I guess?” Phil shrugged, “truthfully, I haven’t really thought about it much, but sure, it’s a good name. Why?”  
Dan had to take a deep breath, steeling themselves for this. “I-I want to change my name to Dan!” The blurted, voice almost frantic.  
Phil blinked slowly for a moment, letting his brain swallow what his significant other just said. “O-Okay” he stuttered out, looking at Dan’s nervous expression. “It suits you actually” he decided after a moment of pause, “now that I think about it, you’re very Dan like.”  
Dan lit up at this, their entire face breaking into a smile. “Really? You think so?” Dan asked excitedly, almost vibrating.  
Phil nodded, “it’s a perfect fit, Dan, Dan, Dan Howell” Phil had practiced, repeating the name so it would stick. He knew that he would always manage to correct himself, but at least he was trying.  
“I love you” Dan declared with a happy sigh, leaning in to kiss Phil sweetly. Phil’s lips were soft and plush, while Dan’s were more chapped, as they never took care of them. Also had a bad lip chewing habit.  
Phil smiled into the kiss, pulling back to look at Dan with awe in his eyes. And Dan started to believe it could all work out someday.  
“I love you too, Dan Howell.”


End file.
